Leaders: are you creating resistance or relationships?

Leadership

Telling creates resistance. Asking creates relationships. ~Andrew Sobel

questions“8 in 10 Americans say the country is more divided than ever” (CNN/ORC Poll released November 27, 2016). I think there are numerous variables creating that divide, and I believe one of them is our inability to simply ask questions. Especially, leaders’ inability to simply ask questions.

How do we communicate today? In face-to-face conversation or through technology?

In a recent study, The Effect of Technology on Face-to-Face Communication by Emily Drago at Elon University, she discovered that “nearly half of survey respondents (46%) communicate more frequently with friends and family via technology than in person, indicating strongly that face-to-face interactions have decreased both in quality and in quantity.”

I raise technology as an issue because I have found that most technology communication I experience is telling. It’s not asking questions or creating relationships. Note I said most I didn’t say all.

What about leaders, how much are they asking questions and creating relationships? I love this quote by Stephen R. Covey: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Think about it. Even the highest leaders, our elected officials, we listen to them tell, both in person and via technology and then we actually wonder why there is so much resistance?

I have found the same to be true in organizations, large and small, for-profit and not-for-profit. While recently facilitating a training on professional communication we came to the topic of active listening. The class was given a short scenario about George and then asked, “what questions would you ask George?” They were stumped. They wanted to tell George what he should do. They didn’t know how to ask him questions to help him solve his dilemma.

Some of the best questions, I think, come from Socrates. The Socratic approach to questioning is based on the practice of disciplined, thoughtful dialogue (imagine that!). Socrates died in 399 B.C. so we’ve clearly been struggling with this concept for a very long time. What held true hundreds of year ago still holds true today. If you have trouble getting into an asking mode instead of telling, here are a few Socratic questions to add to your communication toolbox.

  • What do you mean by…?
  • Could you put that another way?
  • What do you think is the main issue?
  • Could you expand upon that point further?
  • Why is this question important?
  • What assumptions can we make based on this question?
  • What would cause someone to make this assumption?
  • What could we assume instead?
  • What would be an example?
  • Why do you think this is true?
  • What other information do we need?
  • Have you always felt this way?
  • What caused you to feel that way?

This week, when tempted to tell, try asking; instead of creating resistance, build relationships.