Great leaders are thoughtful and deliberate, not impulsive and reactive. ~Tony Schwartz and Emily Pines
We need to adapt to situations and not be a reactive leader—we’ve been learning to do that a lot over the past year. We also need to adapt to other people and not be reactive. For example, reacting to someone’s idea before we take the time to really understand them and adapt by setting the stage for genuine communication.
It Takes Patience
In many of our conversations a very succinct response is what’s warranted. If someone is asking you for direction, they are likely looking for a direct answer. However, if someone is taking a risk and making a suggestion, sharing a daring idea, or in some way stepping out on a limb, a “reaction” may not be the best response.
There are four steps that will allow you to set the stage for communication that is not reactive, but will enable you to be more adaptive to the other person. These four steps come from Tim Muehlhoff in I Beg to Differ.
Four Steps
Step 1. Listen to learn what they believe/think? Chances are they didn’t describe their thought, idea, or suggestion completely. So, ask questions to listen to learn. These “questions” could actually be statements like, “tell me more,” “keep going,” or “could you give me an example.” You need to be curious, even for a couple of minutes, to really learn what the other person believes or thinks.
Step 2. Listen to understand the other person. The best questions to understand don’t start with “why” but instead start with “how” or “what.” “Why” questions tend to make us defensive. For example, “What led you to this idea?” “How did you come to this conclusion?” You aren’t listening to evaluate, or even worse, to ambush; you are listening with curiosity to sincerely understand.
Step 3. Foster common ground. Look for areas or aspects where you agree, or where you can support their idea or suggestion. Highlight those aspects.
Step 4. Then, consider what you should say given the timing, the circumstances, and the individual person, Be selective, or adaptive, in your response.
This four-step process is likely counter-intuitive to what some people consider effective leadership. Straightforward, quick reactions have their place, but a reactive approach is not always appropriate or helpful. And it certainly does not suggest leading with bold grace. I would argue that it’s bold to hold back your “reaction” and a reflection of grace to first really listen to understand.
For reference, here are the four steps one more time.
- What do they believe/think? (listen to learn)
- Why do they believe/think what they do? (listen to understand)
- With what aspects do I agree? (foster common ground)
- Then, ask yourself, with this person, at this time, under these circumstances, what is the next thing I should say?
Lead with bold grace by not being a reactive leader, but instead taking the time to adapt to other people through genuine communication.