The function of a leader within any institution: to provide that regulation through his or her non-anxious, self-defined presence. ~Edwin H. Friedman
A number of years ago, I was asked to be the driver for an author who was speaking in Chicago. I knew who he was, but I didn’t really know him, and I was semi-familiar with some of his books. I discovered that this man, who I had just met, possessed something I wanted to somehow label and better understand.
I am an introvert and I typically do not get to know people quickly, or at least as quickly as an extrovert might. But while driving this author to various obligations I discovered that I was sharing more of myself with him with far more ease and comfort than what I would consider to be characteristic behavior. Why was I doing this?
As the author began to speak at the event, it suddenly became quite clear to me. He began talking about leading people through a tumultuous transition by being a non-anxious presence. That was it; that was the exact label I was looking for—a non-anxious presence.
I’ve since discovered a presentation given by Dr. Jay W. Pope that concisely outlines the definition and traits of a non-anxious leadership presence. Pope defined a non-anxious presence with these characteristics:
- Temporarily putting our wants and needs on hold for the sake of listening to, relating to, and understanding someone else
- Being fully engaged and present in a situation
- Not threatened by intimacy
- Can suffer with others without becoming lost in the suffering
- Surrendering our tendency to emotionally react to others based on how we think their words affect us
- Choosing to not be threatened by the feelings of others, even if what they say hurts us
Dr. Pope also identified these traits of someone with a non-anxious presence:
- Self-aware
- Secure
- Centered
- Excellent listener
- Deeply committed to understanding others on their terms
- Grace-giving
- Suspends judgment
- Forgiving
You don’t have to look far in organizations to find anxiety. Anxious leadership, according to Friedman, is manifested through someone who is reactive, displaces blame, seeks a quick-fix, etc. Anxious leadership only exacerbates the already anxiety-ridden culture. But a leader with a non-anxious presence who is self-aware, secure, centered, an excellent listener, grace-giving, forgiving, and suspends judgment can move an organization through challenges and uncertainty with ease and confidence.
This week, let’s each try to be a better listener, seek to understand others on their terms, be a bit more grace-giving and forgiving, and not so quick to judge others. Then observe the response to our reassuring non-anxious presence.