Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. ~Aristotle

As I stated in my last post, emotional intelligence actually decreases as people rise through the ranks in organizations. Related to this, I read a statistic last week that has stuck in mind: 95 percent of people believe that they’re self-aware, but only about 10 to 15 percent really are. I want to give you one word that could help you move to the 10 to 15 percent.

One tool that we can all use to become more self-aware is introspection. Many leaders take time for introspection, but are they doing it effectively? Are they asking themselves the right questions?

A typical introspective question is to ask yourself, “why?” These questions can be related to our emotions. Such as, why do I dread my one-on-one meetings with employee X? The questions may be related to our behavior. Why do I get so impatient during our team meetings? Or, maybe it’s a certain attitude. Why am I so against the strategy my colleague is suggesting?

What’s wrong with asking why?

First, it puts us in a frame of mind to identify how confident we are that we are right.

Second, it simply invites unproductive negative thoughts. It puts us in the mindset to defend, instead of to learn.

The better question to ask yourself?

Simply replace why questions with what questions. When hundreds of pages of research interview transcripts with higher self-aware people were analyzed, a pattern emerged. While the word why appeared fewer than 150 times, the word what appeared more than 1,000 times.

What questions help us to stay objective, look to the future, and be empowered to take action on our learning.

Examples

You may ask yourself, “Why do I feel so frustrated?” Change that question to: “What are the situations when I feel frustrated and what do they have in common?” See what you can learn from the patterns you uncover.

Maybe you received some negative feedback and your instinct might be to ask, “Why did they say this about me?” Replace why with what and ask, “What are the steps I need to take in the future so my intentions are understood?” Be more solution oriented and less critical of past perceptions.

Asking what questions means we are willing to learn; we are leading from a growth mindset. It means we are willing to acknowledge that we don’t know everything, even about ourselves. It means leading with bold grace.

For the title of director and above, [emotional intelligence] scores descend faster than a snowboarder on a black diamond. CEOs, on average, have the lowest EQ scores in the workplace. ~Travis Bradberry

This week I’ve read a number of social media posts that are of a similar theme. I’ve seen these posts before. However, I would have thought (or hoped) with the intensity of recent events that some of these individuals, who I know personally, would not take such a definitive stance.

The perspective in these posts is a refute to white privilege with statements like “I’m white and I had to work really hard to get where I’m at.” When I hear or read statements like that, I can’t help but think, that is really missing the point. And it’s exactly because you are a part of the dominant group that you can’t see what privileges you really have, or that in fact, you are exerting your dominance.

How dominance can go unrecognized.

Here’s an analogy. Years ago I moderated many focus groups using a traditional focus group set-up with the participants in one room and the client in another room viewing through a one-way mirror. The participants would speak their minds, knowing that the client was on the other side of the window, but because they couldn’t see or hear them (no interaction allowed), the participants said exactly what they thought without holding back. They were intentionally put in a position of dominance.

In a similar way, we are also put in positions of dominance, even without our choosing. It may be our upbringing, our gender, the color of our skin, or even our job title. It may be nothing we did, but simply the position we hold that causes us to have dominance.

I see this played out in organizations every day with job titles. Travis Bradberry describes it this way. “Once leaders get promoted, they enter an environment that tends to erode their emotional intelligence. They spend less time in meaningful interactions with their staff and lose sight of how their emotional states affect those around them. It’s so easy to get out of touch that leaders’ EQ levels sink further.”

Seeing our own dominance and lack of EQ is hard work.

One way to avoid playing the role of the emperor with no clothes when it comes to dominance and EQ is to intentionally spend time in meaningful interactions with those who are different from you. That may be people of different backgrounds, upbringing, etc. For organizational leaders, that will also mean stepping away from your computer, getting out of the C-Suite, and having truly meaningful interactions with employees at all levels in the organization.

Like my focus group participants, it’s easy to play the dominant role when there are no meaningful interactions with someone in a different role. And if there are no meaningful interactions, you will be unaware of the dominance you wield.

Where are you dominant, really? How can you have meaningful interactions with those people? Meaningful interactions with people different from yourself is another way to lead with bold grace.

Telling someone to change without helping them to change their environment rarely leads to success. ~Kerry Goyette

I’ve been wearing a Fitbit, every day, for the past three years. Why? Because I wanted to change to a more consistent exercise routine. Simply wanting to change my routine wasn’t enough. I needed to change my environment. For me, wearing a Fitbit has done the trick. I continue to wear it even after three years because without it, I’ll be back in my old environment and may then slip back into my old ways. I need that new environment to change and to maintain my new behavior.

Exercise and diet are two personal examples of behavior change that nearly everyone has attempted at some point. The basic behavioral factors that help us to make these changes are the same behavioral factors that help us change our attitude at work, relationships with colleagues, productivity, and our ability to lead more effectively.

We need to find ways to change environmental factors that trigger unwanted tendencies. Note the choice of words here, unwanted tendencies. I’m not talking about completely losing your cool and yelling at team members. (Although that is certainly an issue that should be addressed.) I’m talking about some of the subtle tendencies. Changes in even relatively small habits that can make a big difference. Kerry Goyette suggests three steps to lasting change.

3 Steps to Lasting Change

1) Identify the problem. It begins with self-recognition.

We need to become aware of when we are engaging in counterproductive behavior. When X happens, I tend to say or do Y. Unfortunately, this recognition typically happens when team members, subordinates, or staff survey results are raising concern or frustration. This may require an intervention or one-on-one coaching.

2) The impact of the problem, or social recognition.

When I say or do Y, that leads to _____ (negative impact on others, both individuals and groups or teams). Once you’ve owned the problem, through feedback you can begin to unpack how this behavior is impacting others.

3) Create environmental checkpoints to support the desired change, or design a new structure.

What can I change in the environment so when X happens in the future I will say or do Z instead of Y. Change is hard. I would argue that subtle changes are even harder because they are habits; things we do without even thinking.

What can we change in our environment that causes us to pause, and think, before we act? This could involve tracking our behavior in writing—when X happened today, what we did, and the result. For some, seeing metrics is what they need to change. For others, maybe it’s simply using a new phrase to begin their comments so they speak up more frequently in meetings. We can all benefit from continuously examining our behavior and identifying subtle adjustments that can make a significant difference. It’s all part of leading with bold grace.

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice there is little we can do to change until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds. ~Daniel Goleman

There are three kinds of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy. These definitions were going through my mind as we experienced upheaval in cities across the country this past week.

Practice the Right Kind of Empathy

Daniel Goleman, author of best-selling Emotional Intelligence defines the first type of empathy, cognitive empathy as “simply knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking. Sometimes called perspective-taking.” This type of empathy is what we might find helpful in the workplace or in financial negotiations.

The second kind of empathy is emotional empathy. Goleman tells us that this is “when you feel physically along with the other person, as though their emotions were contagious.” This may be the empathy we have with close friends or family members.

The third kind is compassionate empathy. “With this kind of empathy we not only understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, but we are spontaneously moved to help, if needed.” Compassionate empathy strikes a balance between cognitive and emotional empathy.

Example of Compassionate Empathy

I believe that one of the many challenges of the last week is that while some people are practicing cognitive empathy (saying you understand) what is needed is really compassionate empathy (showing you understand).

We’ve all likely seen the images of police officers around the country, and the world, taking a knee in a symbol of solidarity. They are showing that they understand. The sheriff in Flint, Michigan who put down his club and said he didn’t want to join them in a protest but in a parade. Which was received with smiles and cheers.

Compassionate empathy is a reflection of bold grace. It’s about not only letting your brain intellectually process what the other person(s) might be experiencing. It’s also about allowing yourself to feel what they might be feeling. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their perspective; but it does mean you need to care about their perspective.

That said, officers taking a knee is not going to resolve the pain that has accumulated over decades. However, it is at least a step in the right direction. It’s leading in a time of crisis upon crisis with bold grace.

This week look for ways that you can “take a knee” and practice bold grace through compassionate empathy.

You have to stretch to get close to the edge. ~Sara Little Turnbull (inventor of the N95)

The N95. In February you could have said the N95 mask and I would have asked what you were talking about. Three months later, all you need to say is N95 and I know exactly what it is you would be referencing. I only recently learned the story behind the N95.

Sara Little Turnbull was a design consultant working for 3M in 1958 focusing on gift wrap and fabric. What seemed to be an appropriate division for a woman in the 1950s. 3M used a unique fabric called Shapeen that could mold to a specific shape. Turnbull first created those pre-made bows for gift wrapping.

Stretch to New Ideas

She was intrigued by all of the potential uses for Shapeen. So much so, she came up with over 100 ideas. On that list was a design for a molded bra cup, which 3M enlisted her to design. [I do find it ironic that I’ve seen several people fashion face masks from bra cups. If they only knew!]

A few years later, Turnbull was caring for three family members all of whom required the care of a physician. She saw the health care workers constantly fussing with their masks that tied in the back. Then came yet another idea. Use that same moldable fabric and make a mask that would be both more comfortable and a better fit.

In 1961 3M patented the first lightweight medical mask based on Sara’s design. It did resemble a bra cup, was disposable, and included an elastic band that went around the ears and a nose clip. But there was a problem. It didn’t really work. Pathogens still got past the nonwoven material.

It’s reported that Sara always said that 90% of her career was made up of failure. To Sara, that was not defeating for anyone who wanted to innovate or create new horizons.

The N95 a technological feat that took years and years of work across multiple continents. And it all started with Sara Little Turnbull, who was famous for saying, “If you don’t stretch, you don’t know where the edge is.”

Bold Grace on the Edge

Sara’s mindset can teach us a great deal about leading with bold grace.

• Be Bold: Willing to take risks; knowing that 90% of what she created likely wouldn’t work.
• With Grace: Willing to be a player in creating something great; knowing that she likely would not be the sole creator.
• On the Edge: Willing to chart new territory; knowing that she would need to stretch in order to get close to the edge.

Here we are in 2020 and now the N95 has become a common household term we all recognize. All thanks to a woman who was living, and leading, with bold grace. Thank you, Sara Little Turnbull.

[Note, Sara “Little” Turnbull was 4’11”.]