In the light of calm and steady self-awareness, inner energies wake up and work miracles without any effort on your part. ~Nisargadatta Maharaj

Several years ago I sat in an auditorium and listened to a world-renowned expert on leadership talk about the importance self-awareness. I agreed with what he said. It’s what he didn’t say that really had me baffled.

He described self-awareness as knowing your strengths, what might be your weaknesses (he kind of played that down) and then he stopped there with his definition. I was waiting for what I believe is the most critical aspect of self-awareness. Knowing how your behavior affects other people. If you’re a leader, it’s absolutely critical to understand how what you do and say affects others.

What you do affects others.

It’s surprising to me how many people in leadership have never stopped to consider how what they do and how they behave affects others. And, that what they do will not affect everyone in the same way. I believe that’s a significant lack of self-awareness. 

Fellow consultant and blogger, Dr. Kate Price said this about self-awareness. “It demonstrates a capacity to honestly evaluate your own actions, beliefs and impact on others.”

Because who we are as individuals is constantly evolving, self-awareness is much more a process than it is a destination. We don’t suddenly “arrive” at self-awareness. It’s a life-long journey; a way of being.

I’ve completed more personality assessments than I can count in order to be aware of what organizations are using. But simply knowing what letter or color or score I am does not mean I have a higher than average level of self-awareness. These are very helpful tools for reflection, but this alone does not make someone self-aware.

What can you do?

Are you constantly striving to better understand how your thinking and actions are influenced by your experiences?

What are your biases? Do you even know? How can you overcome these so you can view the world more realistically?

Some of those biases could be considered micro-inequities. That’s become a bit of a buzzword, but the definition is critical to consider. Micro-inequities are unintended signals of discouragement. This is caused by micro-messages we send other people that cause them to feel devalued, slighted, discouraged, or excluded. We do this because we lack self-awareness – knowing how our behavior impacts other people.

Now, if you really want to be bold, go to https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html and choose any one of the implicit bias tests to see how unbiased you really are. Think of it as a test of your own self-awareness.

Being vulnerable enough to examine your own self-awareness is bold. Making intentional changes to your behavior to encourage and lift up others, is a symbol of grace. Lead with bold grace.

People are more stressed out when there is the possibility (uncertainty) they will experience discomfort as opposed to when they know for sure something bad is coming. ~Alexandra Sifferlin

Uncertainty makes us miserable. If given the choice, we would rather know, for certain, that a bad outcome/event is coming, than to live with uncertainty. We really hate uncertainty.

Think of personal situations where this may have played out for you. For example, knowing for sure that your flight was canceled might be less stressful than being kept in suspense as it is repeatedly delayed. Or, you are waiting for any kind of test results (academic, medical, etc.). If you’re certain it went really well or really badly, you might not feel as much stress than if you’re totally uncertain about the outcome (lead study author Archy de Berker, of the University College London).

Knowing this phenomenon explains a lot for me about why strategic plans fail more frequently than they succeed. If it’s really strategic, the plan will include change. And along with that change will likely be uncertainty.

What leaders fail to see, or maybe accept, is that uncertainty is a feeling. Ultimately, we’ll change what we do when we wrestle with how we feel about it.

What can leaders do?

Here are just two things that can help teams, and an entire organization, go through change (i.e., uncertainty) and not become stagnant. Recommended by Patti Sanchez, The Secret to Leading Organizational Change Is Empathy.

Tell People What to Expect

We could all take a lesson from the medical profession. Even my dental hygienist tells me what she’s about to do and what I can expect (how it might feel) throughout a simple cleaning. I’m assuming she’s been taught to communicate what to expect in order to reduce the patient’s stress.

What to expect is more than just the facts. For example, a leader might communicate a change such as phasing out service “x” so that service “y” can be added. Don’t stop there. Give them more detail about the timeline and the process. Then acknowledge how this might make them feel (guilt for having to let some clients go, fearful that the new service won’t succeed, etc.).

Profile Your Audience at Every Stage

Ask questions to uncover beliefs, feelings, questions, and concerns about the strategy or change. Identify how each employee segment feels about the change effort, and plan communications based on whether they are excited, frightened, or frustrated. This is not telling them how they should feel; it’s acknowledging how they do feel.

If a leader is doing their job well, then they are likely leading change. If that leader wants others to follow, they have to lead in a way that recognizes that uncertainty is one of the greatest stressors and barriers to leading change and strategy.

In other words, be bold, move toward change. And, do it with grace by listening and responding to not only what people think, but what they feel.

Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame. ~Unknown

What is grace? I chose to define leadership as “bold grace” because the word grace can take on a number of different meanings.

Influence

For example, in many religions, grace is defined as the divine influence which operates in humans to:

• regenerate and sanctify,
• inspire virtuous impulses, and
• impart strength to endure trial and resist temptation.

I modified that slightly for leadership. Bold grace defined as a leader’s influence to:

• revive and support,
• inspire honest characteristics, and
• convey strength to withstand challenges and resist what’s easy or self-centered over what’s right.

Looking to the Oxford Dictionary, synonyms for grace include: courteous goodwill, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, dignity, distinguish, honor, and agility.

Not long ago I read that in one of Warren Bennis’ last interviews (known as a pioneer of leadership studies) he was asked if he had another book in him. He said that he was thinking about the idea of grace as it applied to leadership. The four key components of grace for Bennis were: generosity, respect, redemption, and sacrifices. That’s all we know; it’s a book Bennis never had the opportunity to write.

Philip Yancey author of best-selling What’s So Amazing About Grace was asked in an interview how he would define grace. His response: “I don’t even try. I remember once getting stuck in Los Angeles traffic and arriving 58 minutes late at the Hertz rental desk. I walked up in kind of a bad mood, put the keys down and said, ‘How much do I owe?’ The woman says, ‘Nothing. You’re all clear.’ I said I was late and she smiled, ‘Yes, but there’s a one-hour grace period.’ So I asked, ‘Oh really, what is grace?’ And she said, ‘I don’t know. [They must not cover that in Hertz training classes.] I guess what it means is that even though you’re supposed to pay, you don’t have to. That’s a good start to a definition.”

Elevates

Yancey also distinguished between kindness and grace. He said, “Kindness can be given in a patronizing, paternalistic way. We can be kind to a homeless person, or even an animal, as an act of charity. Grace is different. It elevates the one you are showing grace toward.”

Grace. It’s certainly an intriguing way to think about leadership. It’s very other-focused: elevating, honoring, supporting, respecting, being generous, forgiving, extending compassion.

Inward Harmony

Going back a few centuries, William Hazlitt said, “Grace has been defined as the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul.” While grace is other-focused, the ability for leaders to replace shame with grace begins internally—the inward harmony of the soul. Leading with bold grace.

To be a leader capable of fully grieving the loss while simultaneously seizing the opportunity. ~Michaela O’Donnell Long

Most leaders today would agree on two things: (1) change is constant, and (2) leading change is one of the most difficult challenges leaders’ face.

Now 18 years ago, John Kotter in The Heart of Change said, “In an accelerating world, change visions are becoming bolder by necessity. More executives now believe that their visions must include being an industry leader, being a firm that is first into new markets, etc.” In 2020, that same drive for becoming bolder is alive and well.

In the midst of the vortex of change, leaders tend to believe that good communication is based on volume of information. However, Kotter also said, “Good communication is not just data transfer. You need to show people something that addresses their anxieties, that accepts their anger, that is credible in a very gut-level sense, and that evokes faith in the vision.”

Hold the Tension

It’s yet another way that leaders must hold the tension between two seemingly dichotomous feelings. The reason that Kotter titled his book The Heart of Change is because actually changing is far more emotional than it is logical. Think about it. When was the last time you had to make a major decision that would result in a big change? You did your research, you gathered your data, you may have created a spreadsheet. Then when it came time to make the decision, you said to yourself something like, “my gut is telling me to…” or “this just feels like the right thing to do.” We choose to change, or not, based upon how we feel.

Michaela O’Donnell Long, senior director of the DePree Center said, “Change comes in all shapes and sizes. There’s the change that’s mostly grief and loss. And, there’s change that’s mostly hope and opportunity. But, in my experience, much of change is part loss and part opportunity. I’m learning, through trial and error, how to be a leader capable of fully of grieving the loss and while simultaneously seizing the opportunity.”

Loss AND Opportunity

Change is part loss and part opportunity. As a leader, can you hold that tension with those you are leading? Are you allowing people to grieve? Letting them be angry? Letting them feel the change? Or, are you so focused on the bold vision and seizing the opportunity that you have minimized their grief causing them to feel devalued?

I have found that many leaders forget that for almost every change in their organization, they, as the leader, have been contemplating, planning, and processing that change longer than anyone else. They had a head start. They are farther along the change process. But they somehow expect everyone else to virtually immediately catch-up. Everyone else should be able to skip right over the uncertainty, the discomfort, the frustration because you, the leader, have essentially done that for them. But that’s just not possible. Leaders can’t process change for others.

So, hold the loss and the opportunity, simultaneously. Let people feel the change. Stay focused on seizing the opportunity (be bold) and allow others to feel the pain of loss (make space for grace). Lead with bold grace.

Civility: Claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs, and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process. ~Institute for Civility in Government

Continuing to unpack the idea of leadership being defined as bold grace, I believe that genuine leadership is the ability to hold the tension.

One of the first activities I do with virtually any group I work with is to have them complete the DISC behavioral profile. There are many effective tools and assessments. I use the DISC because the concept is quick to explain and easy for people to understand, especially for those who are apprehensive about the idea of a behavioral profile in general.

The DISC is made up of two continuums. The first is essentially fast-paced/outgoing vs moderate-paced/cautious. The second is task-oriented vs people-oriented. Just the concept of a “continuum” means a line with two extremes and we all fall somewhere on that line. When I ask groups where on these two continuums are the most effective leaders, I typically get two responses. One is right in the middle of both continuums, or the other is exactly where that person happens to fall personally. Neither of which is correct.

The most effective leaders are those who are able to move and adapt to others. Which means they aren’t right in the middle of the continuum, but they are able to hold the tension between both extremes at the very same time. Brene’ Brown might say it’s the ability to be both tough and tender, brave and afraid, all at the same time.  

Hold the Tension

Being civil is another example of holding the tension. It’s the tension between claiming and caring for your own identity, needs, and beliefs, while at the very same time, not degrading someone else’s identity, needs, and beliefs. Unfortunately, we seem to have fewer and fewer examples of what that kind of civility [i.e., leadership] actually looks like.

Years ago I worked at a college and I would describe the college president at the time as a leader who could effectively hold the tension. Here’s just one example. I heard more than one person say, “If I ever have to be fired, I hope that I’m fired by President Manahan.” The reason people said this was because they would know exactly why they were being fired (it would be clear), and it would be delivered with respect and kindness (they wouldn’t feel degraded).

Holding the tension isn’t easy. That’s why I chose two somewhat dichotomous words—bold grace—to describe leadership. Going back to the DISC continuums. We quite likely have a preference for a specific spot on the continuum. So being able to move around, or even harder, to hold two different spots on a continuum at the same time, is likely to make us uncomfortable. And, it may feel exhausting.   

Being Intentional

But like any muscle, it can be developed with intentionality, practice, and time. That doesn’t mean the muscle won’t be sore or tired. It also doesn’t mean that once developed we can stop exercising that muscle. It’s a commitment to a different type of leading. Leading with bold grace.