Insecure leaders are like fireworks with a lit fuse.  It’s only a matter of time until they explode, and when they do, they hurt everyone close to them.  ~The John Maxwell Company

Confident or insecure—sometimes it can be a fine line between the two. But once a leader has crossed over from confident to insecure the dominoes begin to fall, quickly. Over the years of consulting I’ve observed a pattern. When some people are elevated into leadership positions, their insecurities take over and while they think they are demonstrating confidence, that’s not what those on the receiving end see or feel.

I took a few minutes to research what others have experienced in comparison to my own encounters with leaders who are insecure. Here are four questions that seem to be a common perspective.

How do you handle conflict?

Are you going to an extreme? In other words, are you avoiding conflict by being passive-aggressive? Or, are you going to the other extreme and do you see every scenario as a potential conflict? As Sam Luce said in his blog post 5 Signs You Might Be an Insecure Leader, “They are either too soft and squishy or harsh and uncaring. Secure leaders handle conflict with truth and grace working together, because relationships matter more than being right.”

Do you overcompensate?

Jeanne Sahadi in CNNMoney said it well. “Insecurity can be disguised by bullying, arrogance, or power-mongering.” Do you believe that you are superior? Is your own self-importance taking a priority over building relationships? Is your title more important to you than letting others see your authentic self? If you said yes to any of these questions, you may be overcompensating.

Are you hiding in your office?

I like this one because it’s kind of obvious. I’ve seen leaders almost literally circle their wagons by bringing their direct reports as physically close as possible and even putting up physical walls or doors to make it more difficult for employees to reach them. These leaders always seem to have so much work to do that they just don’t have the time to get out of their office and engage with employees. This question isn’t metaphorical, it’s literal, are you hiding in your office?

Are you respectful of others?

Respect—I love that word because it can cover so much territory. Disrespect can include everything from not helping others grow, being a know-it-all, surrounding yourself with people you can control, considering anyone who disagrees with you “disloyal,” etc. Simply put, the word respect means: admiration, high opinion, reverence, value, esteem. Respect is not the absence of treating people poorly; it’s a word packed full of intentionality and deliberate behavior. Are you respectful of others?

A confident leader is someone who leads with bold grace. An insecure leader leads with fearful interference (the opposite of bold grace – check Merriam Webster).

Sometimes, the most subversive thing you can do is to actually speak with the people you disagree with, and not simply speak at them. ~Dylan Marron

Unite Widely. Sounds a bit daunting, doesn’t it? We seem to be very good at drawing lines in the sand and taking sides. The most popular strategy appears to be suggesting that we fear the “other.” And I have the audacity to suggest that we Unite Widely.

The NeuroLeadership Institute recently offered a series called “How to be an Ally in this Moment.” They provide three points. Listen Deeply. Unite Widely. Act Boldly. I want to very briefly unpack how we can begin to Unite Widely.

Dylan Marron is a young man who has been bullied most of his life and now challenges himself to empathize with those he profoundly disagrees with. In this TED Talk, Dylan said this about empathy. “Empathy, it turns out, is a key ingredient in getting conversations off the ground when people disagree. It can feel very vulnerable to be empathizing with someone you profoundly disagree with.”

Empathy is Not Endorsement

Dylan continues to describe empathy. “Empathy is not endorsement. Empathizing with someone you profoundly disagree with does not suddenly compromise your own deeply held beliefs and endorse theirs. It just means that you’re acknowledging the humanity of someone who was raised to think very differently from you.”

In order to be empathetic, to acknowledge the humanity of someone else, and to ultimately Unite Widely, we need to individually have a healthy personal identity that is not so easily influenced by outside sources. Christena Cleveland tells us that “identity and self-esteem processes are driven by a sinister force: our unmet desire to feel good about ourselves.” So, if we’re driven by a desire to feel good about ourselves, that makes being empathetic (the ability to understand and share the feelings of another), next to impossible.

This has caused me to really consider that if I hear a view or perspective that creates an emotional reaction, maybe I need to do more work on my own personal identity. Is my emotional reaction more about me than about what they are saying or proposing? If I have a resilient personal identity, then I should be able to choose how I respond and really listen to their perspective. In other words, empathize.

This is likely why the NeuroLeadership Institute started their three points with Listen Deeply. If we can’t Listen Deeply, we can’t really empathize. And, if we can’t empathize, how in the world can we Unite Widely?

Personal Challenge

I’ll end this post with a challenge for how to Unite Widely. If someone shares a similar view, perspective, or experience, it’s fairly easy to empathize. What if you find someone who has a dissimilar view and ask them why they have that view, to empathize, not debate? If you aren’t ready for that, maybe take a few minutes and listen, really listen, to an opposing political view (since there’s currently an abundance, regardless of your view) and ask yourself, why do they have that view. This doesn’t mean you endorse their view, just listen to understand, to acknowledge their humanity. That gets a step closer to empathy, which then gets a step closer to Unite Widely.

Listen Deeply. Unite Widely. Lead with bold grace.

Listen with the intent to understand, not with the intent to reply. ~Stephen Covey

Whether the topic is the pandemic, politics, or the postal service, what I see is a lot of people talking (or yelling) at each other and basically getting nowhere. What we see on the public stage these days may not be all that different from what we see day to day in organizations. The lost ability to listen deeply.

To listen deeply we must remove any threats for the other person(s) to openly share what they are thinking and feeling. We need to create and extend psychological safety. A climate in which people feel safe expressing ideas, concerns, feelings, and perspectives without fear of embarrassment, ridicule, or retribution.  

If someone feels a threat, their fight-or-flight response may be triggered. When we feel threatened we literally have a physical reaction that causes tunnel vision. If we see a physical threat, our pupils dilate so we can be more observant of the threat. Our peripheral vision shrinks, reducing our field of vision to a tight circle in front of us so we can be more focused on the immediate threat rather than other details. We then have tunnel vision.

That same tunnel vision occurs when we sense any kind of threat – physical or social. We literally can’t think straight which only increases the feeling of being threatened. Feeling threatened blocks our creativity, reduces our ability to solve problems, and makes it harder for us to communicate and collaborate with others.

How do leaders create psychological safety to listen deeply?

Try using the SCARF Model. It was developed by David Rock as a brain-based model for collaborating with others.

S – Status – your relative importance to others. It’s about feeling cared for, respected, and valued; knowing where you fit. You know that it’s okay to be clumsy in what you say because it’s safe. Don’t devalue another’s perspective by trying to explain it away.

C – Certainty – your ability to predict the future. You can predict the future if you are in the loop, you know what’s going on, you have the same information as other people. Share information often and generously.

A – Autonomy – your sense of control over events. When you are given choices you have a sense of control. You get to choose what and how you share. Create multiple means for others to choose how they provide input and interact.

R – Relatedness – how safe you feel with others. You feel like you belong and are a part of the group. You receive cues about warmth, curiosity, and openness to your perspective. Instead of disagreeing, ask to help you understand their perspective.

F – Fairness – how fair you perceive the exchanges between people. You feel like people are treated impartially. The expectations are the same for everyone. Never show favor or exclude people intentionally.

Create psychological safety. Listen deeply. Lead with bold grace.

It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change. ~Charles Darwin

What we’ve historically called “soft skills” could be the difference between succeeding or failing, individually and collectively. Consider this. Census data predicts that by the year 2050 there will be no racial or ethnic majority in the United States, and that between 2000 and 2050, immigrants and their first-generation children will be responsible for 83 percent of the increase in our country’s working-age population.

Let’s put that into perspective. If someone has a child in 2020, by the time that child is still climbing the career ladder at age 30, there will be no racial or ethnic majority.

Change in race/ethnicity is only ONE of the many differences that now make up the workforce. The list of change is extensive – increase in women in the workforce and leadership, generational shifts, people working from home (yes, even pre-COVID), global project teams, global companies, global vendors and suppliers, massive innovation in technology and AI. Oh, and by the way, I didn’t even mention differences in personality types or behavioral styles.

Managing change and differences demands”soft skills.” Blogger, Trevor Muir, says “stop calling them soft skills; they’re essential skills.” I’m going to take that even further and say they are not soft; they are critical.

Why are these skills critical?

• First, because the world we live in is only going to get more complex through accelerated change. We can’t stop it.
• Second, because within that change is also a whirlwind of differences that will only continue to increase and consequently produce teams and a workforce whose commonality is that they have less and less in common.
• Third, because even those individuals with  technical expertise can only be successful if they work effectively with other people.
• Lastly, an organization can create extraordinary strategy and innovation and still fail because the individuals who need to execute on the strategy or innovation simply are not in sync.

To me, it feels as if we are trying to fight against something that we can not control – ever-increasing change and complexity. So instead of trying to fight against it, what if we were to lean in to it, using critical skills.

Be an Ally

One of the organizations I follow is the NeuroLeadership Institute. They are currently providing a series called “How to be an Ally in this Moment.” They provide three points. Listen Deeply. Unite Widely. Act Boldly. Leaders of today, and tomorrow, must develop these so-called “soft” skills if we are to move forward effectively. Over the coming weeks, I hope to unpack each of these three points, which are critical.

Lead with bold grace using critical skills. Listen Deeply. Unite Widely. Act Boldly.

We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions. ~Ian Percy

We live in a time when the world feels as if it’s spinning out of control. When I was reminded of the quote by Ian Percy this week—“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.”—I felt as if this described our collective leadership practice. Hence, our spinning out of control.

We, leaders, spend so much time judging others by their behavior and judging ourselves by our intentions that it puts us into a tailspin that never stops spinning. We don’t lead well across differences; we judge, inappropriately. I see this at all levels. From our political leaders (no further explanation needed) to the employee who doesn’t speak truth to power to their CEO because they are judging their CEO by their behavior and judging themselves by their intentions.

How to stop the tailspin to nowhere?

I really resonate with Jane Hyun and Audrey S. Lee, authors of Flex: The New Playbook for Managing Across Differences. The book is appropriately titled. Flex is key to stopping the tailspin. They suggest three questions to ask yourself before you engage with another person to identify how you need to flex. In other words, how to let go of our tendency to judge others by their behavior and judge ourselves by our intentions.

Three Questions to Flex

• What are they thinking?

What perspectives and assumptions might they have that are different from mine? What is the context? Are there specific experiences in their background that affect their interactions?

• How should I connect?

What can I say to express my desire to reach out to them?

• How can I put myself in the other person’s shoes?

What can I do and say to demonstrate positive intent? How will I show my willingness to meet them partway?

As the authors say, “Flexing always starts with authenticity. Show who you are and what you value and then extend your curiosity toward others.” Flex.

Every person a leader engages has “a life behind and within their faces.” Leaders need to slow down, consider what the other person is thinking, determine how best to connect, and then put themselves in the other person’s shoes. Consequently, putting the brakes on the out of control tailspin to nowhere.

I am a fan of Frederick Buechner’s wise words as I know many of you are as well. It’s Beuchner who said, “If we are to love our neighbors, before doing anything else we must see our neighbors. With our imagination as well as our eyes…we must see not just their faces but the life behind and within their faces.”

Stop the leadership tailspin to nowhere and lead with bold grace by learning to flex.