If you’re not hopeful and optimistic, then you just give up. You have to take a long hard look and just believe that if you’re consistent, you will succeed. ~Congressman John Lewis

As the nation remembered long-time congressman, John Lewis last week, I noted a recurring theme. Persistent. Optimism. Congressman Lewis endured numerous challenges and setbacks, even physical harm, but that did not deter his persistent optimism.

More Noted Quotes by Congressman Lewis   

Be hopeful. Be optimistic. Never lose that sense of hope.

I think all Americans should be hopeful, and try to be optimistic.

Never give up. Never give in. Never become hostile…Hate is too big a burden to bear.

Over the years, I’ve worked with people who don’t value optimism, and certainly don’t see it as a virtue. They tend to see optimism as either glossing over the facts or outright ignoring reality. Yes, it is possible to completely ignore reality. However, we can learn a lot from John Lewis’ healthy optimism. He did not ignore reality. He leaned into reality with the mindset of optimism.

The Facts About Optimism

If you need some facts, here are few. Daniel Goleman reports that “Research shows that positive outlook (aka: optimism) tends to lead to very positive emotions. Countless studies show that positive emotions, in turn, lead to better performance. The list of specific benefits from positive emotions include better health, more enjoyment in life, greater ability to overcome setbacks, and even enhanced creativity.”

Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, sums it up this way. “Positive thinking [optimism] doesn’t mean that you ignore life’s stressors. You just approach hardship in a more productive way.”

Now what?

There are many things we can do to be more optimistic. I’m going to focus on just two that I believe are particularly relevant in our current circumstances. I am borrowing these from Daniella Whyte, Contributor to HuffPost.com.

Take Responsibility. If you think optimism means you sweep problems under the rug, then consider this. Blaming other people, or any third party (i.e., COVID) for what you alone can change will only make you sad and depressed. People who take responsibility for the choices that they make, by default, live happier lives. Taking responsibility can make you more optimistic.

Listen. When we truly listen to other people, we are saying by our behavior that we are confident and secure within ourselves to be open to what other people have to say. We don’t know everything. When we are willing to listen to what other people know, we attract more of the good stuff that we desire in life. Listening lends itself to optimism.

Thank you, John Lewis for your portrayal of healthy optimism—an attribute of leading with bold grace.

If you courageously invite criticism and gracefully listen to it, you will earn loyalty and trust. If you react with defensiveness or withdrawal, you’ll lose your credibility. ~Steve Harling & Becky Harling

When I work with leaders, it’s not a surprise that one of their burning questions is how to give constructive feedback. Thus far, I don’t recall any leaders having the burning question of how to receive constructive feedback. However, nearly every expert on feedback will say, the best way to become a better giver of feedback is to first become a better receiver of feedback.

Authors of Listen Well, Lead Better, Steve Harling and Becky Harling, suggest Ten Principles for Inviting Constructive Criticism. I’ve included their list of 10 below and added my personal commentary to each principle.

Ten Principles for Inviting Constructive Criticism

1. Ask for it.

As a leader you must ask for feedback. However, you must also make is safe. So, don’t say, “can you give me some feedback.” Instead, be specific and don’t use the word feedback. Something like, “I’d like to make our meetings more engaging. What’s one thing you see that I could do to accomplish that?”

2. Slow down and don’t react.

Pause, even for a couple of seconds before you speak. Maybe take a deep breathe, or say a mantra in your head. Whatever you need to do that will help you slow down.

3. Assume positive intent.

The vast majority of the time people giving you feedback do have positive intent. Assume that’s the case and receive it graciously.

4. Focus on the facts.

Sift through any drama or embellishment and consider the facts of what you heard.

5. Say thanks (but only if you mean it).

If you don’t say thanks, you may not receive feedback in the future.

6. Drill down.

Without being defensive, ask clarifying questions so you can sincerely understand how to get better.

7. Own what you can.

If they are right, even if that’s limited to some of the details, then own it.

8. Consider the source.

Think about their direct knowledge of what’s being said.

9. Ask for time to follow up.

Give yourself some space to process and consider what might be right and then let them know how you intend to change.

10. Move on.

Consider their views, take what might be right and decide what to do with that, and then let it go and move on.

If you courageously [BOLD] invite criticism and gracefully [GRACE] listen to it, you will earn loyalty and trust. Lead with bold grace.

Leaders practice cognitive generosity. The ability to turn off autopilot and take the time to honestly examine our polluted perceptions. ~Christena Cleveland

Speed seems to have become a virtue. How fast can we do work, accomplish tasks, check items off a to-do list. In order to achieve “speed” we use the part of our brain that allows us to categorize and then act on assumptions based upon those categories. What’s the price we’re paying for all this categorizing?

Daniel Kahneman, author of Thinking Fast and Slow says that we have two modes of thought. System 1 is fast, instinctive and emotional. System 2 is slower, more deliberative, and more logical. System 2 is of course useful, but it requires more effort and energy to engage. Consequently, System 2 looks for shortcuts at the directive of System 1. We become cognitively lazy and we rely on categorizing.

Here’s an example from Kehneman

1. All roses are flowers. 2. Some flowers fade quickly. 3. Therefore, some roses fade quickly.

This was considered by a large majority of college students to be correct. Of course, it isn’t.

Kehneman says that, “it turns out that when people first come to believe a false statement, they are very likely to believe arguments that support it; this is the basis for confirmation bias.”

Unfortunately, we use this same categorizing shortcut when thinking of individuals and groups of people. I have met with numerous leaders who have categorized members of their staff because of their gender, their race, their alma mater, etc. They draw conclusions about the individual based upon the perceptions of the group(s) to which they belong.

Cognitive Generosity

Developing a more positive perception of other people and groups was coined by Jim Caldwell as cognitive generosity says Christena Cleveland. Numerous research studies conclude that we tend to think less generously of people and groups we are not familiar with, or who we perceive to be very different from us. Cognitive generosity intentionally reverses this process, helping us consciously think better – and so likely more honestly – about these same people and groups.

Build Your Cognitive Generosity

Social psychologist, Christena Cleveland, suggests this exercise to develop your cognitive generosity. It requires some intentional System 2 thinking.

1. Make a list of different cultural groups and write down what you think (really think, not what you would ideally like to think) about them.
2. Now that you’ve named the specific biases you hold, you can be on the lookout for them as you go about your day.
3. When you are tempted to think or speak one of the biases on your list, stop, name it as a bias and not a truth, and correct it.

Lead with bold grace and practice cognitive generosity. Let’s turn off autopilot and take the time to honestly examine our polluted perceptions.

Effective leaders not only influence others, but are also open to being influenced. ~Ann Van Eron

Recently, while teaching about creating team protocols for better collaboration, I was reminded of a question that felt personal. Am I willing to listen and to be influenced?

One of the collaborative protocols that I was describing was that everyone would agree to “pay attention to their own intentions.” That would include asking yourself questions. What am I/we trying to achieve by this conversation? What is on my mind? Am I willing to listen and to be influenced?

That last question is the one that really gets me, personally. Yes, I’m willing to listen, but, willing to be influenced? Honestly, not always. If we’re talking about processes, systems, etc., yes, most of the time I am willing to be influenced. If we’re talking about something more personal, like my worldview, I have to dig deep to find the willingness to be influenced.

I suppose in some regards that’s not all bad. After all, anyone’s worldview should be something that guides their decisions and their priorities. However, last time I checked, no one has all of the answers. There is room for growth in every single individual. So how do we simultaneously hold a worldview tight enough to guide our decisions and loose enough to be open to influence?

Watch for confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias is the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of our existing beliefs or theories. We’re human, we like to think we are open to being influenced when we are really attempting to confirm what we believe. Unfortunately, as Carl Haefling stated in his blog post, “confirmation bias can be our worst enemy because it allows us to demonize those who are different.”

Identify your assumptions as assumptions.

We tend to err on the side of believing many of our assumptions are really facts. But, if we pause, take step back and really examine our “facts” we might be surprised how much we are really assuming. So, call a spade a spade and identify your assumptions as assumptions.

Balance advocacy and inquiry.

We need to approach conversations with the intention to balance advocating for our position with inquiring through questions. If we are only stating our view, and not asking questions, we are not only limiting our understanding, we are also reflecting our unwillingness to be influenced.

Lead with bold grace and strive to simultaneously hold a worldview tight enough to guide our decisions and loose enough to be open to influence.

As Ralph Marston said, “Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.”

Ephemeral moments emerge as we interact. These moments take on deep consequence as through their sum total, we create one another. ~Daniel Goleman

Interactions. I’ve scoured my memory and I cannot recall any education from K-12 through college and grad school that taught the basics of effective human interaction or social intelligence. How are we supposed to develop these skills? Left up to parents? It’s the most critical skill needed and yet we have little to no opportunity to develop these skills?

When I read the quote from Daniel Goleman, specifically the idea that through the moments of our interactions sum total we create one another, I was taken aback. I was startled by the thought that we are creating one another. Our current collective ability to engage in effective interaction is not exactly something to model.

While the various divisions in our country have highlighted our inability to interact effectively, those same challenges find their way into organizations. And worse, it’s through these tension-filled and compassionless interactions that we are creating one another.

Where to start?

I suggest we start with both practicing and teaching listening skills. I’ve found that people who believe they are good listeners are many times making suggestions and solving others’ problems. That’s not listening.

This month I’ve been facilitating a series of webinars called The Coach Approach. Part of the learning has been to understand and practice the coaching process. It’s three very basic steps. (1) Ask questions. (2) Listen. (3) Invite. To do this well, it requires a fair amount of empathetic and compassionate behavior. That always proves to be more challenging than the participants anticipate.

I ask for volunteers to coach and to be coached. The coachee presents a very basic problem/situation. Then the coach starts asking questions. Those questions tend to be “questions” that start with Have you tried…  In other words, we jump right in with making suggestions dressed up like questions. We think we’re “listening,” but we’re really telling them how we think they should solve their problem.

Stephen R. Covey said, ”Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Shift Our Interactions

Imagine for a moment, this simple adjustment. Interactions that shift from the need to win, to be right, or to solve someone else’s problem. To interactions that are focused on curiosity, exploring ideas, and understanding a perspective different from our own. In other words, listening.

We are all dealing with higher levels of stress caused by uncertainties of employment, finances, and health. Tensions from differing views on race, masks, and political perspectives punctuate our days. Not to mention the added strain that has surfaced due to staying at home far more than we’d prefer.

Despite all of that, we can’t lose sight of the fact that it’s through the sum total of our interactions that we are creating one another. Our interactions have a deep consequence. What do you want that consequence to be? What if our interactions reflected bold grace?