I want to take personal responsibility for the miscommunication. I know that’s not done much these days, but I am responsible. ~General Gustave Perna

I have to admit, when I heard these words last week, “I am responsible” from the General overseeing the distribution of the COVID vaccine, I was taken aback. I honestly could not recall (and still can’t) the last time I heard someone in leadership actually take responsibility on a national stage. Things happen, plans go wrong, mistakes are made. We seem to have forgotten that we really are human and that means we are fallible. If that’s true, then why not just admit when things don’t go as we had hoped or even meticulously planned?

One reason is that we are more concerned about our own self-image than we are the people who were harmed by our mistake. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD said in Psychology Today, “It can be the ultimate expression of egocentrism, or even narcissism, to focus only on your own self-image.” She goes on to explain that “by admitting the wrongdoing, you show that you value those you’ve harmed as much as – or more than – you value your own need to seem infallible.” She concludes by saying, “Ironically, it’s when you acknowledge your weakness by admitting to wrongdoing that you show your strongest side.”

Stop Being Anxious and Take the Blame

Anxious leadership, according to Edwin H. Friedman, is manifested through someone who is reactive, displaces blame, seeks a quick-fix, etc. Anxious leadership only exacerbates the already anxiety-ridden culture. A leader with a non-anxious presence who is self-aware, secure, centered, an excellent listener, grace-giving, forgiving, and suspends judgment can move an organization through challenges and uncertainty with ease and confidence. 

Peter Bregman wrote in HBR (April 8, 2013): “Take the blame for anything you’re even remotely responsible for.” Bregman says: “This solution [taking the blame] transforms all the negative consequences of blaming others into positive ones. It solidifies relationships, improves your credibility, makes you and others happy, reinforces transparency, improves self-esteem, increases learning, and solves problems.” Yet we resist.

I Am Responsible

It takes bold grace to own your blame, and that shows strength. Being defensive makes you slippery. Taking responsibility makes you trustworthy. Alexander Pope (1688-1744) famously wrote, “to err is human, to forgive is divine.” Consider a 21^st Century version, “to err is human, to admit is divine.”

To say “I am responsible” requires bold grace. Thank you, General Gustave Perna for reminding us what that looks like.

Emotional labor is the act of connecting to another human being and making a change even if it’s not easy for you to do in that moment.  ~Seth Godin

In his book, Linchpin, Seth Godin states that no one pays you to do physical labor anymore. You are paid for emotional labor. It’s the act of doing work you don’t feel like, the act of having a conversation that might be difficult, etc. It’s the hard work of digging deep inside and producing an idea that scares you. It’s connecting to another human being and making a change even if it’s not easy for you to do in that moment.

What is emotional labor?

I grew up on a farm in Kansas. My developmental years were dominated by physical labor. Having three older brothers, my participation in the physical labor of farming was limited. However, as several of my brothers graduated and moved on to other careers, I needed to lend a hand out in the fields. One of my periodic jobs was to drive the tractor and pull a baler while either my brother or father stacked the hay bales on the trailer that was also attached behind the baler. While we had to work in tandem, it was nearly all physical labor, very little emotional labor. Except for the occasion when I would let up on the clutch too quickly which wasn’t good for the baler or the person attempting to stand on the moving trailer. In those moments a little “emotion” was expressed by my brother. My father was more tolerant of my less than perfect clutching abilities.

But we really could get by (for better or worse) without a great deal of communication or emotional labor. Today’s workplace is a dramatic shift from my childhood. And since some of you are thinking it, I’ll go ahead and say it, “we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Emotional labor takes time and effort, and in our fast-paced society we don’t always want to give emotional labor the time it requires. Someone new is hired in a leadership or managerial role and they jump right into the “task” of doing their work. We short-cut and side-step getting to know the people with whom we spend the majority of our time. We wonder why the leadership team (or any team for that matter) doesn’t quite seem in sync. Or, we refer to our last half-day team building retreat from three years ago and then question why we don’t seem to be firing on all cylinders. 

It needs to happen every day.

Emotional labor is not a one-time event or fully covered in employee onboarding. It’s hard labor that needs to happen every day. It’s the act of doing work you don’t feel like, the act of having a conversation that might be difficult, etc.

I’ve watched leadership teams go from awkward and inefficient artificial harmony to moving rhythmically and easily with each other–efficient and graceful. This happens only after investing heavily in the work of emotional labor. Connecting to another human being and making a change even if it’s not easy to do in that moment, that’s leading with bold grace.

Only by standing on the grave-mound of the past will you see the vision of the future clear before you, alluring in its possibilities.  ~Eugene O’Neill

Standing on a grave-mound of the past? I never know where I’ll find an inspiring thought about leadership. This time it was in an art gallery. As I wandered through a gallery, I noticed a quote the owner had placed prominently over the main desk. The entire quote by Eugene O’Neill reads:

If you want to become an artist you must come out of your shell…You must come out and scratch and bite, and love and hate, and play and sing and fly, and earn your place in the sun. You will have to starve and weep and know great sorrows and great joys and great sacrifices…Only by standing on the grave-mound of the past will you see the vision of the future clear before you, alluring in its possibilities. 

As I read the quote I thought about the numerous illustrations of a leader as an artist. Then I also thought the word “artist” could simply be replaced with the word “leader” and it would certainly still hold true.

Standing on the Grave-Mound of the Past

I was especially intrigued by the phrase, “only by standing on the grave-mound of the past…” What a vivid image! If it’s a grave-mound, then it must be something we’ve buried, put to rest, moved beyond, but certainly not forgotten and likely closed that chapter with ceremonious recognition. We know where that grave-mound is, we have marked the exact location, and we may even come back and visit it from time to time. But it’s when we boldly stand on that grave-mound that we’ll be able to see the vision of the future in all clarity. Not only will we see it, we’ll be allured (i.e., attracted, magnetized, charmed, pulled) to its possibilities.

In all honesty, I have to admit that I also thought about what I was strictly taught as a child. That it was disrespectful to step on a grave. Does that mean we have to disrespect the past in order to see the future? I doubt it, or really, I surely hope not. Standing on a grave-mound could be viewed as using the past as a season of learning in order to see the future more clearly. 

Revealing the Future

I’ve worked with a number of organizations that have a rich and deep history wrapped in a great deal of emotional attachment. So when the time comes to demolish the flagship building or end the inaugural program, it’s not always met with optimism or hope for the future. In every example I can recall, I don’t believe the current leadership had any disrespect whatsoever for the past. They were using the past (the mound) to see just a little farther into the future; they were standing on the grave-mound in order for the future to be revealed to them.

Whether on a personal or organizational level, we all need to have the courage and boldness to stand on the grave-mound of the past and be allured by the possibilities of the future. We need to allow ourselves to lead with bold grace. 

Leaders who surrender are not giving in, they are giving over.  ~Kathryn Scanland  They recognize that their successes are with and through others. They don’t need to take the glory with them when they leave; they intentionally leave it behind.  ~Susan Debnam

For most people, the idea of “leaders surrender” is the opposite of what they would think or anticipate. If you’re leading aren’t you controlling, commanding, directing, and winning? Not surrendering?!

Lay Down Your Arms

Well, hopefully your organization is winning, but many times (and I’d argue most of the time), the organization wins because the leader surrenders. The most appropriate definition of surrender in this context is to lay down your arms. What are your arms? Author of Mine’s Bigger Than Yours, Susan Debnam suggests a list of traits that I believe fall into the category of what leaders need to surrender to be truly effective. Here are just a few “arms to lay down.”

Invincibility: They ignore cautionary words and take flagrant risks.

Sensitivity to criticism: They say they want teamwork but really want yes-men.

Lack of empathy: They crave empathy but are not empathic themselves. They can be brutally exploitative.

Intense desire to compete: They are relentless and ruthless in their pursuit of victory, often unrestrained by conscience and convinced that threats abound. 

Tendency towards grandiosity: They over-estimate their own abilities.

Addiction to adulation: They have a constant and often petulant need to be told of their greatness.

Inability to learn from others: They like making speeches, telling, transmitting and indoctrinating, but are less open to hearing others’ views and suggestions.

Distaste for personal development:  They don’t want to change and as long as they are successful, they don’t think they have to.

Leaders Surrender Through Self-Sacrifice

In my conversations with various leaders one of the aspects of leadership that frequently enters the discussion is self-sacrifice. Many people in leadership positions define self-sacrifice as giving up personal time or time with their family. What sacrifice really means in the context of leadership begins with the above list of traits. It’s not about patting yourself on the back because you never see your family or have no personal life. Sacrifice is about surrendering your need for self-admiration (being right, getting the credit, never failing, always having an answer, etc.). 

Leaders who surrender are not giving in, they are giving over. They recognize that their successes are with and through others. They don’t need to take the glory with them when they leave; they intentionally leave it behind. They lead with bold grace.

Spiritual attentiveness is less a matter of concentration than contemplation. It is releasing distractions, preoccupations, and prejudgments and being available for absorption. ~David G. Benner

Thanksgiving—a day that we might look forward to, or not, particularly in 2020. Face-to-face gatherings of friends and family are exchanged for Zoom calls and outdoor walks at a distance. For some, COVID is a welcome excuse to avoid the annual family anxiety, especially in a year fraught with a host of issues with polarizing points of view.

Quoting an article in U.S. News, “The reality of Thanksgiving for some Americans is rife with family tension, arguments, sorrow and loss. Others face the stress of hosting, or the dread of being asked questions about their lives that they are not ready to answer.”

Be Available for Absorption

The point I want to make here is not to get everyone depressed before the Thanksgiving holiday. Instead, I want to encourage leaders to take a few moments to pause and consider David Benner’s quote to “release distractions, preoccupations, and prejudgments and be available for absorption.”

I periodically use a TED Talk, 10 Rules to Have a Great Conversation, by NPR host Celeste Headlee when teaching about effective communication. Three of the rules I think are especially relevant as we all gather (in person, by phone, or Zoom) on Thanksgiving.

Celeste closes out her brief talk on how to have a great conversation by repeating the statement, “be prepared to be amazed.”

If we can release distractions and prejudgments and make ourselves available for absorption, then we’re much more likely to be amazed. Thanksgiving can be a time of encouragement, hopefulness, and being available for others.

Leaders, this week be thankful, be attentive to others, listen, and be prepared to be amazed. In other words, lead with bold grace.