What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation. ~Glenn Close

Leaders and suicide. You might be thinking, “wow, that’s an awfully dark topic,” and that’s the point. Just as Glenn Close stated, “mental health needs more unashamed conversation.” We need to take it out of the darkness and bring it into the light.

Maybe it’s just a part of growing older, but the number of people I have personally known who have ended their lives by suicide now requires two hands to count. And that’s too many. What has also struck me is that most of the people I have personally known, have been leaders.

Suicide Awareness

This topic has been especially highlighted for me because not only is September suicide awareness month, but the day before World Suicide Prevention Day two leaders ended their lives by suicide and I had connections to both. NBC News: Suicides by Two Mental Health Advocates Serve as Grim Reminder

It’s easy to see someone in a prominent leadership role and to assume that they have no personal challenges. Even more so, I think many leaders feel pressured to come across and act as if they have no challenges. Almost, as if they aren’t actually human. It’s only been in recent years in the study of leadership that vulnerability has been considered an attribute, as opposed to a detriment, of effective leadership.

But the vulnerability attached to admitting depression or suicidal thoughts still seems to haunt some leaders. Just because you are in a leadership role doesn’t mean you are immune from the mental health challenges associated with suicidal thoughts.

Here’s what a college president said after learning about one of the recent suicides I mentioned. “As I confront my own grief and bewilderment, I am also becoming more aware of what suicide does and does not mean, and how to respond. I am learning to avoid judgment and not to seek simplistic explanations… I am learning that it is important to talk openly about suicide.”

How do you talk openly about suicide, even with a leader?

Here’s what the Mayo Clinic recommends. Be sensitive, but ask direct questions, such as:

• How are you coping with what’s been happening in your life?
• Do you ever feel like just giving up?
• Are you thinking about dying?

The Clinic goes on to say, “Asking about suicidal thoughts or feelings won’t push someone into doing something self-destructive. In fact, offering an opportunity to talk about feelings may reduce the risk of acting on suicidal feelings.”

Forbes contributor Naz Beheshti stated earlier this month, “In spite of increased awareness, suicide continues to be a major public health problem in the United States, and around the world. Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S., where the rate is higher than at any point since World War II. The majority of suicides in the U.S. are among working age adults. Working age suicides have increased 34% in the U.S. in the years 2000-2016, according to a report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”

We all need to come out of the darkness, including leaders, maybe even especially leaders.  We need more unashamed conversation about suicide.

In 2017, 47,173 Americans died by suicide. There were twice as many suicides (47,173) in the U.S. as there were homicides (19,510).

Insecure leaders are like fireworks with a lit fuse. It’s only a matter of time until they explode, and when they do, they hurt everyone close to them.  ~The John Maxwell Company

Confident or insecure—sometimes it can be a fine line between the two. But once a leader has crossed over from confident to insecure the dominoes begin to fall, quickly. Over the years of consulting I’ve observed a pattern. When some people are elevated into leadership positions, their insecurities take over and while they think they are demonstrating confidence, that’s not what those on the receiving end see or feel.

I took a few minutes to research what others have experienced in comparison to my own encounters with leaders who are insecure. Here are four questions that seem to be a common perspective.

How do you handle conflict?

Are you going to an extreme? In other words, are you avoiding conflict by being passive-aggressive? Or, are you going to the other extreme and do you see every scenario as a potential conflict? As Sam Luce said in his blog post 5 Signs You Might Be an Insecure Leader, “They are either too soft and squishy or harsh and uncaring. Secure leaders handle conflict with truth and grace working together, because relationships matter more than being right.”

Do you overcompensate?

Jeanne Sahadi in CNNMoney said it well. “Insecurity can be disguised by bullying, arrogance, or power-mongering.” Do you believe that you are superior? Is your own self-importance taking a priority over building relationships? Is your title more important to you than letting others see your authentic self? If you said yes to any of these questions, you may be overcompensating.

Are you hiding in your office?

I like this one because it’s kind of obvious. I’ve seen leaders almost literally circle their wagons by bringing their direct reports as physically close as possible and even putting up physical walls or doors to make it more difficult for employees to physically reach them. These leaders always seem to have so much work to do that they just don’t have the time to get out of their office and engage with employees. This question isn’t metaphorical, it’s literal, are you hiding in your office?

Are you respectful of others?

Respect—I love that word because it can cover so much territory. Everything from not helping others grow, being a know-it-all, surrounding yourself with people you can control, considering anyone who disagrees with you “disloyal,” etc. Simply put, the word respect means: admiration, high opinion, reverence, value, esteem. Respect is not the absence of treating people poorly; it’s a word packed full of intentionality and deliberate behavior. Are you respectful of others?

Is your confidence on solid ground or are you slipping toward insecurity? We all slip now and then, but catching yourself is the first step to stop the domino effect of insecurity.

Focus is often a matter of deciding what things you’re not going to do. ~John Carmack

How many times have I said, “I’m going to really focus my attention, so here’s what I am going to do”? I’ve got it backwards!

William James, my favorite philosopher, said “Everyone knows what attention is. It is taking possession of the mind, in clear and vivid form, of one out of what seems several simultaneously possible objects or trains of thought. Focalization, concentration of consciousness are of its essence. It implies a withdrawal from some things in order to deal effectively with others.”

I especially like that last sentence, “It implies a withdrawal from some things…”

When I’m facilitating strategic planning, one of the things I frequently ask is “what are you going to stop doing? Or, what are you not going to do?” I tend to get surprised looks because most people don’t think about identifying what they are not going to do as something strategic.

But there’s nothing like identifying what you are not going to do to really bring things into focus. (In my opinion, focus is what strategy is all about.)

Be intentional, not reactive.

Focus is about being intentional or deliberate, not reactive. If you haven’t decided what you are not going to do, then what’s keeping you from reacting to things that will take you off focus?

Daniel Goleman, author of Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence, said “An organization’s strategy represents the desired pattern of organizational attention, what every unit should share a degree of focus on, each in its particular way. A given strategy makes choices about what to ignore and what matters: Market share or profit? Current competitors or potential ones? Which new technologies? When leaders choose strategy, they are guiding attention.”

Burn the ships.

Abraham Zaleznik (who was a leading scholar and teacher in the field of organizational psychodynamics) said, “Keep focused on the substantive issues. To make a decision means having to go through one door and closing all others.”

Going through one door and closing all others reminded me of the story of Cortes and the burning of his ships. In 1519, Hernan Cortes arrived in the New World with 600 men. Upon arrival, destroyed his ships. He wanted to send the message that there is no turning back. In two years, he succeeded in his conquest of the Aztec empire.

Nothing like “burning the ships” to communicate with undeniable clarity what you will not do.

Whether you close doors or burn ships, you and those you lead can achieve significant focus by deciding what things you are not going to do.